i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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