Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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