i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
