You just made me feel so damn special
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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