I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
