I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Fuck appropriateness.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize