he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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