Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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