Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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