I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
