you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
