you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
