dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
