he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
