4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
