His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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