Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
