I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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