its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
