Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
