During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
