I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
