Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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