Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
