I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
