I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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