wanna go halves on a baby?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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