4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
