No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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