Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
