i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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