omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
