I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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