I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
