Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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