Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
