that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You are a genius and a whore.
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