Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
