i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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