sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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