By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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