rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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