this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
