On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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