wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
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