I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
