She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
