We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize