i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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