I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
