Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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