She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
there's paper in my vomit.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Let's get the cat blown out
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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