I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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