i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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