it's like iHOP with fire
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
