i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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