Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize