I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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